//*deletes sarcastic opening line* maybe I am growing.//

I love and hate this time of year. This year in particular I feel overwhelmed because of the commitments I’ve made. I’ve felt stagnant for so long that starting something new felt like momentum that I needed. But alas, here I am, stressed as hell and failing at everything. Instead of resolutions, I’m prioritizing. That’s not revolutionary but for someone who spent nearly a decade rewatching the same show and feeling apathetic towards my future, it feels nice. Focusing on things every day that will allow me to continue having my dream life. And of course being so grateful for the opportunity to do it all. I’ve been coding and started a new marketing job. I don’t necessarily love either one, but it’s confirming some things for me that I’ve always wondered. I love doing something for the plot and learning whatever I can along the way. Not the best career advice, I’ll admit. But it might be something better. //I’m practicing leaving in lines where i feel earnest and like I’m turning to look at the camera and wink at you and it feels so unnatural but just go with me.// I always felt like I wasn’t good enough for the things I was getting into, like I tricked someone into thinking I was smart or knew what I was doing. I was a semi over achiever as a child. Just really teetering on the edge of being the best but never being able to commit the time. When I did too much it felt like acting and I burned out quickly. I want something to feel natural. And some things do for a while. Sometimes I feel like they snowball out of my control and too many people want things from me and then I fall apart. Is it not being in full control? Am I lazy? Dumb? Afraid? I don’t like to share what I’m doing in case I fail or change my mind and have to disappoint someone. Maybe that’s the feeling I should let go of? Embrace the chaos or whatever. But then comes the thoughts of control again. Maybe I just want to control what people think of me? And if I tell them too much then they can form their own opinions instead of the ones I want them to have. //cue Taylor Swift’s “Mastermind”// I’m sick of all the melancholy but it’s always there. So how do I turn that into a job? If my dream life involves me writing novels and short stories, why am I spending my time doing anything else? I do need discipline. Maybe that’s it. Or maybe I love a distraction and I’m afraid if I delve too deep into writing and it turns out I suck then what? I get a whole ass new dream? I suppose I’ve done that before too and survived.

Sorry about whatever that was! Thanks for reading. You rock don’t ever change. Xx

Here’s my first vision board draft for 2026 <3